Bittersweet

Image Credit: SilentEchoDesigns

I believe that unarmed truth and unconditional love will have the final word in reality. This is why right, temporarily defeated, is stronger than evil triumphant. 
- Martin Luther King, Jr.

Today is my birthday.  Yes, I share a birthday with a day that is marked in our nation's consciousness as a day to mourn.  And it is a day to mourn.  Thirteen years ago, an unthinkable tragedy occurred.  Innocent lives were taken.  Rhetoric materialized into a war that cost and continues to rob this world of real lives.  If I learned anything from 9/11/2001, it is that ideas can be deadly.

But what I have learned since sharing my birthday with a memorial these past 13 years is that life will never be simple.  It will always be bittersweet.  On any given day, it is someone's best day and someone else's worst day.  Everyday a person is born into a family, while another family loses a loved one.  The thing about living in community, is that we have the opportunity to share our bitter with someone else's sweet and vice versa - and it can happen all at once.  And that, my friends, is beautiful.  Today will always be my birthday and today people will purposely never forget what terrorism looks like.  It's a package deal.

And that is okay.  We don't like things to be murky.  We like to be able to categorize people, events, ideas, and memories into one category.  Good or bad.  Joyful or sorrowful.  Hero or villain.  A celebration or a memorial.  The truth is, the more trips I take around the sun, the more I realize joy and pain are flip sides of the same coin called love.  The only way to stop from feeling either is to numb your heart to love all together.  But a life without love is hardly a life at all.

If I am honest, life has been a little more bittersweet than I would like lately.  I have shed more tears in the last few months than I can remember doing for some time.  My heart is so heavy with the turmoil that I see all around me.  From racism to domestic violence to war ravaged countries to watching loved ones and leaders fall.  This world is full of bitter.  Saying goodbye to good friends, starting over, releasing my daughter one step closer to adulthood are all things that weigh my heart down.  But if you look closely, hope will always draw a sweet silver lining around bitter.  A promise of a new tomorrow, a chance for people to listen to stories and find solidarity in the midst of racial and domestic violence, a new understanding of grace for the imperfect and broken, and the realization that goodbye offers an opportunity for a new hello.

I've often wondered why I feel so much and wrestle so much.  In the midst of my tears and heartache I finally realized a truth that I missed for so much of my life.  It is because I love.  I don't hide my heart away behind walls of indifference anymore, and an open heart comes with the inherent risk that for every joy there will be sorrow.  For every birthday, there will be a memorial.  But the most beautiful thing about a memorial is that it gives us a chance to choose gratitude, and in doing so we mingle some sweet in with the bitter.  Today is my birthday, and I mourn with those mourning.  But I rejoice that I can - at the same time - celebrate life in all its fullness.  On days like today, I ask you to hug your loved ones, call the people you miss, forgive the people who have wronged you, say the things you have been meaning to say, and to spread love far and wide.  Because life is fleeting and our time here is short.

I will never forget.  I will always remember the price of loving and living well is bittersweet.

A Do-it-yourself I Spy Jar

Samantha and I had a mommy-daughter date today.  We went out for tea at a real English tea room, and it was so fun to watch how grown-up my little girl has become.  She learned about proper tea pouring (or hot chocolate pouring, in her case) etiquette and how to eat tiny sandwiches.  Isn't she cute?

Then we went into a ton of really cute shops.  The kind we wouldn't dare enter if the younger brother were with us.  We were in the coolest toy shop and Samantha stumbled across all these little miniature animals.  She just HAD to have them.  I immediately thought of the DIY I Spy projects that I have seen on pinterest, so I decided to try to make our own.  I'm all for games that are self-contained and require no pick-up.  I may or may not throw away tiny game pieces whenever I step on them.  And I figured it would be great for the long car rides to Montana.

What you need:

• A jar or bottle of some sort (we had a 32 oz mason jar)

• 20-30 little items

• Rice (or beads or sand)

• A camera and printer

• Glue gun or other sealing agent (unless, unlike me, you like to pick up little toys and rice with your feet)

• Fabric (optional)

• Ribbon (optional)

• Laminator (because laminating is fun and we really don't get to do enough of it)

• Hole punch

What to do:

Collect your treasures.  They can be all kinds of things from your junk drawer.  We had some cool animals from the toy store to put in plus random coins and stuff.  Oh, and the fake ring I got for when my fingers were super swollen from being pregnant and couldn't fit my wedding ring on my sausage fingers.  Putting that bad boy in there because I won't be needing that again.

Arrange your treasures on a white background and snap a picture if you have kids who can't read yet.  I wrote a list and took a picture to encourage my just-reading daughter to use the words, and my son has the picture.  My picture looked like this:

You can print it out and laminate it as is, or add a list of the items on back.  Punch a hole in the corner so you can tie it to your jar.

Fill the jar 1/4 of the way with rice and then put a handful of your little treasure in. Fill half-way and then put the rest of your little treasures in.  Bottles with small openings will make it harder to fit things in, but our wide-mouth jar was a cinch.  Fill the rest of your jar with rice, stopping about an inch short of the top of the jar.

Glue your lid on.  Really glue it on there.  Nothing turns an I Spy jar into a bad idea like an open I Spy jar.  Especially when opened by an almost three year-old boy.

You can leave it like that, or you can decorate it with some fabric and ribbon.  If you don't have fabric, just figure out a way to attach your picture/list to your jar.  I had some burlap and chevron ribbon laying around, so my jar ended up looking like this:

{Please kindly ignore that my word processor automatically corrected Krone (Norwegian currency) to crone (an offensive term meant to insult a woman's age, appearance, and temperament).  That is a lesson for when the kids are a little older.}

This took about an hour or so to complete.  One hour for countless hours of no questions?  Priceless.  This unplugging thing has been so much more than I thought it would be.

Finding Silence

I've been quiet lately.  Maybe not in every aspect of my life, but I have been intentionally silencing a lot of competing voices and vices.  Mainly of the online and social media sort.  After having what felt like a gorge fest of social media presence, I retreated.  And took a giant sigh of relief.  Don't get me wrong, I still love to peruse facebook, pinterest, and instagram.  I am just trying to limit my time on the two-dimensional screen, so I can intentionally spend my time doing, well, real life.

I've been gardening.  For those of you who know me well, you know that me typing that sentence is like...well, frankly it's monumental.  So we've been enjoying our strawberries, fresh lettuce and spinach, and the best cilantro in the world.  I've been picking mint and putting it in my water (in my amazingly cute mason jar) and for some reason this makes me inexplicably happy.  I don't love the weeding, or the dirt, or the actual gardening part.  But I do love to see progress and to realize that sometimes the effort you spend on something is what makes it grow.  I want a lot of things in my life to grow well.  Mostly relationships.  So I have been slowing down, unplugging, and spending time reading books about Fancy Nancy and pushing swings higher and higher.  And every giggle is confirmation that this is how I want to spend my precious time.

And I've been doing projects that have been half-done or just dreamed up and not done.  It's time to just start doing things.  Dreaming is good.  Dreaming is necessary for the soul and for this world to become a better place.  But all the dreams in the world are for naught if we don't do something.  So let's do something.  Start small and I can pretty much guarantee, like my garden, it will grow.  And that is pretty amazing.  I just want to be more conscientious of how well I am tending to the important things, even if those might seem rather insignificant to others.

Here's how my projects turned out!  I am super happy with them!  These babies have been in my brain since last year (maybe longer), and I'm so glad to finally have them done.  I've switched over to glass containers to get away from plastic and in the hopes of buying in bulk to cut down on waste.  Now I am excited because I get to do some of the things I care about (less toxins for the family and less waste for the world) and like the way it looks =)

I made the dictionary entry labels.  Every single one of them.  Because I love words and dictionaries.  I also love food.  A lot.  So this is a marriage of things I love.

Once I started with the anchor jars, I had to keep going with the spice containers.

I love that food can be this colorful and beautiful.  Seeing it on display like this just makes me appreciate the creativity of its Maker.  He didn't have to, but He gave us rainbow colored food.  I seriously marvel at the variety of flavors and textures and my heart swells with gratitude.  Why was I hiding all this beauty in a cupboard?

Anyway, there may not be as many blog posts about my ponderings for a while.  Not because I have stopped pondering because that is quite simply impossible, but because I am on a quest to squeeze every moment of joy out of this life.  To be present and to invest in what matters the most to me.  To make phone calls and coffee dates instead of liking and commenting on facebook.  To not just be a dreamer, but a doer.  To push swings, hold hands, and capture giggles.  To date the man I married, and celebrate who we've become on this journey together.  To smell like campfire, harvest a garden, and count the summer freckles on my daughter's cheeks.  To read books until 1 a.m., to find a new favorite restaurant, and to remember to take time to feed my soul.

I might not get pictures of every moment, and it's okay.  I want to build memories, and that requires my full attention.  I want to remember the tastes, smells, sounds, and textures and then weave them together with the emotions and thoughts of the moments.  And it's my hope to take the time to write some of life's richness down to share.  So here's to a summer full of rich memories just waiting to be made and dreams just waiting to be accomplished...

Call me so we can have coffee.

An Opportunity of a Lifetime (And a Chance to Win a $50 Gourmet Latte Gift Card or Family Photo Shoot)

It is funny how life works sometimes. These last few months have been sort of crazy.  It's been full of doing things that I don't normally do.  Things I don't necessarily like doing.  And it has been good.  It's been amazing, really.

It's one of those times where you stand back in awe and just watch as everything falls into place.  It started with a blog, which led to a 5K, which led to a class, which led to an opportunity of a lifetime.  I've been taking baby steps and giant leaps outside my comfort zone.  It's been terrifying, honestly.  But it has been so worth it.

I've been spending a lot of time lately meditating on gifts, talents, and burdens ... and what to do with them.  Now that my kids are older, it's been a process of getting to know myself again.  I've found that I still love art, photography, and story.  And I have a huge burden for the poor, vulnerable, and marginalized.  I, in fact, have an entire degree to show for my burden for the poor, vulnerable, and marginalized.  My heart beats for justice and mercy.

What is the point of all this?  Well, there is a contest to win a chance to join a delegation of women to travel to Uganda.  The purpose of the trip is to connect with some of the women and children who have been affected by poverty, violence, and who have suffered.  But these people have also overcome.  Through the efforts of  International Justice Mission and Noonday Collection, women are being empowered to break out of the poverty and violence that surrounds them.  These organizations are offering a way for us to do something good.  Whether it is changing the conversation and rhetoric surrounding consumerism, or educating about and eradicating violence and human trafficking, these are the things that make my heart come alive.
READ MORE ABOUT THE HEART BEHIND THE TRIP HERE

So this is art, story, and social justice all wrapped into one package.  And I love everything about it.  So I entered.  Yikes!

This is probably one of the scariest and hardest things I've done in the last decade.  Well, other than giving birth.  But that is a different story for a different day.  I almost backed out of entering because it requires soliciting votes.  From people.  Like, putting yourself out there and asking people to vote for you.  I had flashbacks of running for ASB at the end of my sophomore year in high school because it would look good on a college application.  Nevermind that I very obviously hated high school...needless to say I didn't win.  Shudder.  And then there was panic that ensued.  Let's just say that self-promotion is not one of the gifts this introverted girl can call her own.  But I have a husband who is kind enough to point out the irony of a person leading a class on living out your dreams and using your gifts and talents, but not entering a contest that would enable her to do just that because she was afraid.  Well, there is that.  Point taken.  Thanks, honey.

So I entered.  And now I am asking for votes.  Your vote.  Because I will need to be in the top 7 candidates to be considered for the next round, which means I need a lot of votes.  I am humbled to have some awesome support.  I get to offer the chance to win a $50 gift card that my awesome friend, Karissa Bresheare, donated from her fabulous company Gourmet Latte.  Every time you vote (once a day per device), you enter to win!  If you share my entry page, it is worth an extra entry.  This is good coffee, people.  Some of the best, and I am a coffee snob.  It's just a small way that I am able to say thank you for taking the time to help push me one step closer to living out my dreams.

*UPDATE*
A wonderful friend and inspiration has agreed to donate a family photo shoot!  Lissa is an amazing photographer and she is just an amazing person.  She has a heart of gold and is an absolute joy to be around.  And she SHINES!  I'd have her take all my family photos if I could!
Check out her photography page here:
https://www.facebook.com/lissawhitlockphotography

Vote down here!!  You can vote once a day per device (cell, computer(s), tablet) AND enter to win once a day!  Thank you so much!

Instructions:
Click on the link that shows up in rafflecopter that leads to my personal entry page, and scroll down until you see the word "VOTE. " Be sure to come back to the blog and hit "ENTER" so you are entered into the drawing.
For an extra entry, you can share this blog post, one of my facebook posts, or my entry page.  Just leave a comment where you shared it!
Voting is open through May 28th for the first round.

a Rafflecopter giveaway

In case coffee isn't your thing, you can vote directly here:

DIRECT LINK TO MY PERSONAL ENTRY PAGE

And Every Breath Was Hallelujah...

God is a God of surprises and He is the orchestrator of wonderful coincidences.  Without putting much thought of my own into it, I started training for the Free Them 5K last week.  I didn't realize until yesterday that I started this training on the first day of Lent.

I was deeply moved by a few different posts and blogs about Lent.  Honestly, we don't really do much for Lent now that I attend a non-denominational church.  I grew up in a Catholic and Episcopalian background, so there are some elements of liturgy that I miss.  Some of the symbolism is so sacred and sublime, it answers questions your soul didn't realize it was asking.  I miss going down to the alter for communion, dipping my stamped wafers in the wine from the golden chalet, and being blessed by Father Taylor.  I miss the reverence of the stained glass windows and tall arches.  I miss lighting candles to symbolize a prayer.  Religion can  be stifling, but it can also help a person understand a facet about God's character that was a mystery to them before.

Back to Lent.  Usually, there is something a person gives up for Lent to honor the sacrifice we celebrate every Good Friday.  I felt that I wasn't supposed to give anything up.  I read a post by a woman in a forum I follow, and instead of giving something up for Lent, she adds a prayer time for those around her.  She opened up her schedule to ask for prayer requests for strangers in a forum of over 3000 women.  That is a beautiful, intentional sacrifice.  Another blog I follow approaches Lent as a time similar to Advent.  It is a time to prepare your heart, to make room for God to speak, and to really meditate on what Easter means.

So as I have been running, I have been doing a lot of meditating.  It clears my mind, and I become aware of almost every breath I breathe.  I am clearing out time in my busy life to quiet my heart, train my body, and I am doing it so that others might be freed.  It is my sacrifice, however small.  It occurred to me yesterday that running is what God added to my life to help me recognize Lent.  This is my way of laying down a portion of my life to help others.

As Jesus has been connecting the dots for me, I have a song called Hallelujah that won't seem to leave my head.  It has been redone several times, but the original is by Leonard Cohen.  The one line that is on repeat inside my brain is:

And every breath we drew was hallelujah...

If I had just one sentence to describe it, I think that is what Lent means to me.  To live a life where every breath I draw is hallelujah.  Every breath in success, every breath in joy, every breath in sorrow, every breath in pain, every breath in confusion, every breath in doubt.  Let every breath be hallelujah.

I have been running in a forested area, and so I decided to make a little print of a photo I took a while back to commemorate this season.

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD HALLELUJAH PRINTABLE

Running Outside My Comfort Zone

Funny story.  I'll start with just stating that I am not a 'runner.'  Really.  My one concern with the whole need to run is whether or not I could outrun a zombie apocalypse, if it indeed came to it.  My mind was put to ease when I saw a picture of a house surrounded in treadmills.  Zombie proof, and no need to run.  Perfect.

I don't mind walking, I love dancing, hiking is wonderful, and pilates is surprisingly my thing.  I will even use free weights and a kettle bell.  I'm just not a runner.  If you know me, you know that I have said this to you at least a hundred times.

So why, you might ask, did you sign up for a 5K in May?  Not only did you sign up, but you created a team and signed your family up.  And you might be kind of pressuring encouraging people to sign up with you.  That is weird.  And, yes, dear reader, I agree.  It is weird.  Though not as weird as I would like to think.  Because here is the thing.  God has been asking me to do an inventory of what He's given me.  But there is more.  He's been gently reminding me that I need to be willing to sacrifice those gifts and talents that for His purposes.  Turns out that some of that is a lot of fun.  I've been getting back to doing activities and hobbies that I really enjoy.  If you read my post about  where your gifts and your burdens collide, you'll know that some of my paradigm has been shifted...in a good way.  All that to say, while it is a little scary to hand over my talents and the things I already excel at, what if I need to be doing more?  What if I need to be doing something completely out of my comfort zone?  Like running?  Yes, like running.

My burdens have long been wrapped up in helping the vulnerable and marginalized.  My eyes roam and seek out the invisible, and my heart breaks for the injustice that leaves so many of them suffering.  I love seeing people freed from oppression - of all kinds.  I first learned about human trafficking while studying to complete my major six years ago.  I had to write a fifteen page paper on human trafficking in Italy, and in my research my eyes were opened to a world of suffering and captivity that I knew nothing about previously.  I cried every day I went to class.  I cried reading academic papers, even though they were full of academic jargon and so far removed from the people suffering.  I care about these men, women, and children with a depth that sometimes surprises me.  

Then I received an email from World Concern about their Free Them 5K in May.  All proceeds go to help those enslaved.

I heard a whisper, "Do all you can with what you have been given."

I have been given body healthy enough to run, despite my lack of enthusiasm about the idea in the past.  I've been given a burden to help people who are victims of human trafficking.  So my burden is colliding with running because it is something I can do right now to help.  I'm not an expert runner.  I may end up walking with my 5 year-old.  But I am willing to risk looking like a bit of a fool and jumping outside of my comfort zone because that is where miracles occur.

So if you are in the Seattle area on May 10th, and you'd like to come and run so others can LIVE FREE (Click Here for FREE THEM 5K information)- please join me!  No, really.  Please, do join me.  If this girl who runs only when something is chasing her (think zombie) can do it, I am pretty sure you have a great shot at it.  Our team is named Live Free, not just in honor of what I've been feeling is a theme for me this year, but also a word of faith that the people who are being held captive will be able to one day LIVE FREE, too.  If you feel a burden for those caught in this web of human trafficking, you can donate to help us reach our $5000 goal.  A few friends and I are already planning some great fundraisers, and I am so excited to see what God does with our gifts and talents as we lay them down to help others.  Together, when we do small actions in great love, who knows the greatness of the outcome?

I designed a little graphic because I definitely need the reminder from time to time.  Or everyday.  Whichever.

CLICK HERE FOR COMFORT ZONE PRINTABLE

Live Free - A Year of Release

A handful of years ago, I began to ask for a word that would help me navigate the season I was in.  The first word God gave me was renaissance or rebirth.  After a few years of living in a dessert spiritually, I can't tell you how much that word filled me with hope.  It was a process, but Jesus began restoring my faith that year.

The following year was joy.  Oh, what a simple word.  Three letters.  But with my heart, newly restored, joy was everywhere.  Even in the mundane, everyday, ordinary life.  Joy is everywhere.  And I learned joy usually began with a choice, and a submission of expectations.

Last year my word was embrace.  It was a year full of the unknown, full of trial, full of new beginnings, full of endings.  And I was being asked to embrace it all.  Not argue with it, not analyze it, not fear it, not control it.  I was being asked to embrace what Jesus had in store for our family, not question it.  And I won't lie, it was hard.  Looking back now, I realize that without clinging to Him, I probably would've floundered or given up or given in to bitterness or anger.  I needed that embrace.

In December, I was sitting at the same bluff I have been going to for so many years and for so many seasons.  It overlooks the beach where Aaron asked me to be his wife.  It is the place where friends and family have had wedding photos taken.  I was there out of obedience because it was the week of rest for the bible study we were going through.  I was in the car, with my sweet son in the back screaming to leave, when I heard the word release.  This is the definition I found when I came home:

Full Definition of RELEASE

transitive verb

1:  to set free from restraint, confinement, or servitude; also :  to let go :  dismiss 

2:  to relieve from something that confines, burdens, or oppresses 

3:  to give up in favor of another :  relinquish 

4:  to give permission for publication, performance, exhibition, or sale of; also :  to make available to the public 

intransitive verb

:  to move from one's normal position in order to assume another position or to perform a second assignment

So much of what I have been hearing in my spirit is that we need to live in freedom.  Chris Cain says that so many of us are enjoying our deliverance, but we have yet to step into freedom.  I think Jesus is releasing us to be free to be exactly who He created us to be.  To live free from what others think, what the world prescribes, what we fear, what we expect.  To live a life that has not just been rescued, but a life that has been set FREE.

I'm not exactly sure what this year has in store.  I do know that I am spending time and purposing in my heart to release those things that so easily entangle me - fear, expectations, opinions, obligations.  I'm trading it in for freedom.  I'm relinquishing my selfishness so I can be used to help others.  

I don't know where you are today - living captive, living delivered, or living free.  I am praying that maybe reading these words will stir something inside your heart to step one step closer to freedom.  To nudge your heart towards release.  I have a feeling what awaits us is so much better than all we have held onto.

I designed this little image to help me remember that this is a year of release and to LIVE FREE!

CLICK HERE FOR FREE DOWNLOAD (NAVY)

CLICK HERE FOR FREE DOWNLOAD (GRAY)