Bittersweet

Image Credit: SilentEchoDesigns

I believe that unarmed truth and unconditional love will have the final word in reality. This is why right, temporarily defeated, is stronger than evil triumphant. 
- Martin Luther King, Jr.

Today is my birthday.  Yes, I share a birthday with a day that is marked in our nation's consciousness as a day to mourn.  And it is a day to mourn.  Thirteen years ago, an unthinkable tragedy occurred.  Innocent lives were taken.  Rhetoric materialized into a war that cost and continues to rob this world of real lives.  If I learned anything from 9/11/2001, it is that ideas can be deadly.

But what I have learned since sharing my birthday with a memorial these past 13 years is that life will never be simple.  It will always be bittersweet.  On any given day, it is someone's best day and someone else's worst day.  Everyday a person is born into a family, while another family loses a loved one.  The thing about living in community, is that we have the opportunity to share our bitter with someone else's sweet and vice versa - and it can happen all at once.  And that, my friends, is beautiful.  Today will always be my birthday and today people will purposely never forget what terrorism looks like.  It's a package deal.

And that is okay.  We don't like things to be murky.  We like to be able to categorize people, events, ideas, and memories into one category.  Good or bad.  Joyful or sorrowful.  Hero or villain.  A celebration or a memorial.  The truth is, the more trips I take around the sun, the more I realize joy and pain are flip sides of the same coin called love.  The only way to stop from feeling either is to numb your heart to love all together.  But a life without love is hardly a life at all.

If I am honest, life has been a little more bittersweet than I would like lately.  I have shed more tears in the last few months than I can remember doing for some time.  My heart is so heavy with the turmoil that I see all around me.  From racism to domestic violence to war ravaged countries to watching loved ones and leaders fall.  This world is full of bitter.  Saying goodbye to good friends, starting over, releasing my daughter one step closer to adulthood are all things that weigh my heart down.  But if you look closely, hope will always draw a sweet silver lining around bitter.  A promise of a new tomorrow, a chance for people to listen to stories and find solidarity in the midst of racial and domestic violence, a new understanding of grace for the imperfect and broken, and the realization that goodbye offers an opportunity for a new hello.

I've often wondered why I feel so much and wrestle so much.  In the midst of my tears and heartache I finally realized a truth that I missed for so much of my life.  It is because I love.  I don't hide my heart away behind walls of indifference anymore, and an open heart comes with the inherent risk that for every joy there will be sorrow.  For every birthday, there will be a memorial.  But the most beautiful thing about a memorial is that it gives us a chance to choose gratitude, and in doing so we mingle some sweet in with the bitter.  Today is my birthday, and I mourn with those mourning.  But I rejoice that I can - at the same time - celebrate life in all its fullness.  On days like today, I ask you to hug your loved ones, call the people you miss, forgive the people who have wronged you, say the things you have been meaning to say, and to spread love far and wide.  Because life is fleeting and our time here is short.

I will never forget.  I will always remember the price of loving and living well is bittersweet.

A Do-it-yourself I Spy Jar

Samantha and I had a mommy-daughter date today.  We went out for tea at a real English tea room, and it was so fun to watch how grown-up my little girl has become.  She learned about proper tea pouring (or hot chocolate pouring, in her case) etiquette and how to eat tiny sandwiches.  Isn't she cute?

Then we went into a ton of really cute shops.  The kind we wouldn't dare enter if the younger brother were with us.  We were in the coolest toy shop and Samantha stumbled across all these little miniature animals.  She just HAD to have them.  I immediately thought of the DIY I Spy projects that I have seen on pinterest, so I decided to try to make our own.  I'm all for games that are self-contained and require no pick-up.  I may or may not throw away tiny game pieces whenever I step on them.  And I figured it would be great for the long car rides to Montana.

What you need:

• A jar or bottle of some sort (we had a 32 oz mason jar)

• 20-30 little items

• Rice (or beads or sand)

• A camera and printer

• Glue gun or other sealing agent (unless, unlike me, you like to pick up little toys and rice with your feet)

• Fabric (optional)

• Ribbon (optional)

• Laminator (because laminating is fun and we really don't get to do enough of it)

• Hole punch

What to do:

Collect your treasures.  They can be all kinds of things from your junk drawer.  We had some cool animals from the toy store to put in plus random coins and stuff.  Oh, and the fake ring I got for when my fingers were super swollen from being pregnant and couldn't fit my wedding ring on my sausage fingers.  Putting that bad boy in there because I won't be needing that again.

Arrange your treasures on a white background and snap a picture if you have kids who can't read yet.  I wrote a list and took a picture to encourage my just-reading daughter to use the words, and my son has the picture.  My picture looked like this:

You can print it out and laminate it as is, or add a list of the items on back.  Punch a hole in the corner so you can tie it to your jar.

Fill the jar 1/4 of the way with rice and then put a handful of your little treasure in. Fill half-way and then put the rest of your little treasures in.  Bottles with small openings will make it harder to fit things in, but our wide-mouth jar was a cinch.  Fill the rest of your jar with rice, stopping about an inch short of the top of the jar.

Glue your lid on.  Really glue it on there.  Nothing turns an I Spy jar into a bad idea like an open I Spy jar.  Especially when opened by an almost three year-old boy.

You can leave it like that, or you can decorate it with some fabric and ribbon.  If you don't have fabric, just figure out a way to attach your picture/list to your jar.  I had some burlap and chevron ribbon laying around, so my jar ended up looking like this:

{Please kindly ignore that my word processor automatically corrected Krone (Norwegian currency) to crone (an offensive term meant to insult a woman's age, appearance, and temperament).  That is a lesson for when the kids are a little older.}

This took about an hour or so to complete.  One hour for countless hours of no questions?  Priceless.  This unplugging thing has been so much more than I thought it would be.

Finding Silence

I've been quiet lately.  Maybe not in every aspect of my life, but I have been intentionally silencing a lot of competing voices and vices.  Mainly of the online and social media sort.  After having what felt like a gorge fest of social media presence, I retreated.  And took a giant sigh of relief.  Don't get me wrong, I still love to peruse facebook, pinterest, and instagram.  I am just trying to limit my time on the two-dimensional screen, so I can intentionally spend my time doing, well, real life.

I've been gardening.  For those of you who know me well, you know that me typing that sentence is like...well, frankly it's monumental.  So we've been enjoying our strawberries, fresh lettuce and spinach, and the best cilantro in the world.  I've been picking mint and putting it in my water (in my amazingly cute mason jar) and for some reason this makes me inexplicably happy.  I don't love the weeding, or the dirt, or the actual gardening part.  But I do love to see progress and to realize that sometimes the effort you spend on something is what makes it grow.  I want a lot of things in my life to grow well.  Mostly relationships.  So I have been slowing down, unplugging, and spending time reading books about Fancy Nancy and pushing swings higher and higher.  And every giggle is confirmation that this is how I want to spend my precious time.

And I've been doing projects that have been half-done or just dreamed up and not done.  It's time to just start doing things.  Dreaming is good.  Dreaming is necessary for the soul and for this world to become a better place.  But all the dreams in the world are for naught if we don't do something.  So let's do something.  Start small and I can pretty much guarantee, like my garden, it will grow.  And that is pretty amazing.  I just want to be more conscientious of how well I am tending to the important things, even if those might seem rather insignificant to others.

Here's how my projects turned out!  I am super happy with them!  These babies have been in my brain since last year (maybe longer), and I'm so glad to finally have them done.  I've switched over to glass containers to get away from plastic and in the hopes of buying in bulk to cut down on waste.  Now I am excited because I get to do some of the things I care about (less toxins for the family and less waste for the world) and like the way it looks =)

I made the dictionary entry labels.  Every single one of them.  Because I love words and dictionaries.  I also love food.  A lot.  So this is a marriage of things I love.

Once I started with the anchor jars, I had to keep going with the spice containers.

I love that food can be this colorful and beautiful.  Seeing it on display like this just makes me appreciate the creativity of its Maker.  He didn't have to, but He gave us rainbow colored food.  I seriously marvel at the variety of flavors and textures and my heart swells with gratitude.  Why was I hiding all this beauty in a cupboard?

Anyway, there may not be as many blog posts about my ponderings for a while.  Not because I have stopped pondering because that is quite simply impossible, but because I am on a quest to squeeze every moment of joy out of this life.  To be present and to invest in what matters the most to me.  To make phone calls and coffee dates instead of liking and commenting on facebook.  To not just be a dreamer, but a doer.  To push swings, hold hands, and capture giggles.  To date the man I married, and celebrate who we've become on this journey together.  To smell like campfire, harvest a garden, and count the summer freckles on my daughter's cheeks.  To read books until 1 a.m., to find a new favorite restaurant, and to remember to take time to feed my soul.

I might not get pictures of every moment, and it's okay.  I want to build memories, and that requires my full attention.  I want to remember the tastes, smells, sounds, and textures and then weave them together with the emotions and thoughts of the moments.  And it's my hope to take the time to write some of life's richness down to share.  So here's to a summer full of rich memories just waiting to be made and dreams just waiting to be accomplished...

Call me so we can have coffee.

An Opportunity of a Lifetime (And a Chance to Win a $50 Gourmet Latte Gift Card or Family Photo Shoot)

It is funny how life works sometimes. These last few months have been sort of crazy.  It's been full of doing things that I don't normally do.  Things I don't necessarily like doing.  And it has been good.  It's been amazing, really.

It's one of those times where you stand back in awe and just watch as everything falls into place.  It started with a blog, which led to a 5K, which led to a class, which led to an opportunity of a lifetime.  I've been taking baby steps and giant leaps outside my comfort zone.  It's been terrifying, honestly.  But it has been so worth it.

I've been spending a lot of time lately meditating on gifts, talents, and burdens ... and what to do with them.  Now that my kids are older, it's been a process of getting to know myself again.  I've found that I still love art, photography, and story.  And I have a huge burden for the poor, vulnerable, and marginalized.  I, in fact, have an entire degree to show for my burden for the poor, vulnerable, and marginalized.  My heart beats for justice and mercy.

What is the point of all this?  Well, there is a contest to win a chance to join a delegation of women to travel to Uganda.  The purpose of the trip is to connect with some of the women and children who have been affected by poverty, violence, and who have suffered.  But these people have also overcome.  Through the efforts of  International Justice Mission and Noonday Collection, women are being empowered to break out of the poverty and violence that surrounds them.  These organizations are offering a way for us to do something good.  Whether it is changing the conversation and rhetoric surrounding consumerism, or educating about and eradicating violence and human trafficking, these are the things that make my heart come alive.
READ MORE ABOUT THE HEART BEHIND THE TRIP HERE

So this is art, story, and social justice all wrapped into one package.  And I love everything about it.  So I entered.  Yikes!

This is probably one of the scariest and hardest things I've done in the last decade.  Well, other than giving birth.  But that is a different story for a different day.  I almost backed out of entering because it requires soliciting votes.  From people.  Like, putting yourself out there and asking people to vote for you.  I had flashbacks of running for ASB at the end of my sophomore year in high school because it would look good on a college application.  Nevermind that I very obviously hated high school...needless to say I didn't win.  Shudder.  And then there was panic that ensued.  Let's just say that self-promotion is not one of the gifts this introverted girl can call her own.  But I have a husband who is kind enough to point out the irony of a person leading a class on living out your dreams and using your gifts and talents, but not entering a contest that would enable her to do just that because she was afraid.  Well, there is that.  Point taken.  Thanks, honey.

So I entered.  And now I am asking for votes.  Your vote.  Because I will need to be in the top 7 candidates to be considered for the next round, which means I need a lot of votes.  I am humbled to have some awesome support.  I get to offer the chance to win a $50 gift card that my awesome friend, Karissa Bresheare, donated from her fabulous company Gourmet Latte.  Every time you vote (once a day per device), you enter to win!  If you share my entry page, it is worth an extra entry.  This is good coffee, people.  Some of the best, and I am a coffee snob.  It's just a small way that I am able to say thank you for taking the time to help push me one step closer to living out my dreams.

*UPDATE*
A wonderful friend and inspiration has agreed to donate a family photo shoot!  Lissa is an amazing photographer and she is just an amazing person.  She has a heart of gold and is an absolute joy to be around.  And she SHINES!  I'd have her take all my family photos if I could!
Check out her photography page here:
https://www.facebook.com/lissawhitlockphotography

Vote down here!!  You can vote once a day per device (cell, computer(s), tablet) AND enter to win once a day!  Thank you so much!

Instructions:
Click on the link that shows up in rafflecopter that leads to my personal entry page, and scroll down until you see the word "VOTE. " Be sure to come back to the blog and hit "ENTER" so you are entered into the drawing.
For an extra entry, you can share this blog post, one of my facebook posts, or my entry page.  Just leave a comment where you shared it!
Voting is open through May 28th for the first round.

a Rafflecopter giveaway

In case coffee isn't your thing, you can vote directly here:

DIRECT LINK TO MY PERSONAL ENTRY PAGE

And Every Breath Was Hallelujah...

God is a God of surprises and He is the orchestrator of wonderful coincidences.  Without putting much thought of my own into it, I started training for the Free Them 5K last week.  I didn't realize until yesterday that I started this training on the first day of Lent.

I was deeply moved by a few different posts and blogs about Lent.  Honestly, we don't really do much for Lent now that I attend a non-denominational church.  I grew up in a Catholic and Episcopalian background, so there are some elements of liturgy that I miss.  Some of the symbolism is so sacred and sublime, it answers questions your soul didn't realize it was asking.  I miss going down to the alter for communion, dipping my stamped wafers in the wine from the golden chalet, and being blessed by Father Taylor.  I miss the reverence of the stained glass windows and tall arches.  I miss lighting candles to symbolize a prayer.  Religion can  be stifling, but it can also help a person understand a facet about God's character that was a mystery to them before.

Back to Lent.  Usually, there is something a person gives up for Lent to honor the sacrifice we celebrate every Good Friday.  I felt that I wasn't supposed to give anything up.  I read a post by a woman in a forum I follow, and instead of giving something up for Lent, she adds a prayer time for those around her.  She opened up her schedule to ask for prayer requests for strangers in a forum of over 3000 women.  That is a beautiful, intentional sacrifice.  Another blog I follow approaches Lent as a time similar to Advent.  It is a time to prepare your heart, to make room for God to speak, and to really meditate on what Easter means.

So as I have been running, I have been doing a lot of meditating.  It clears my mind, and I become aware of almost every breath I breathe.  I am clearing out time in my busy life to quiet my heart, train my body, and I am doing it so that others might be freed.  It is my sacrifice, however small.  It occurred to me yesterday that running is what God added to my life to help me recognize Lent.  This is my way of laying down a portion of my life to help others.

As Jesus has been connecting the dots for me, I have a song called Hallelujah that won't seem to leave my head.  It has been redone several times, but the original is by Leonard Cohen.  The one line that is on repeat inside my brain is:

And every breath we drew was hallelujah...

If I had just one sentence to describe it, I think that is what Lent means to me.  To live a life where every breath I draw is hallelujah.  Every breath in success, every breath in joy, every breath in sorrow, every breath in pain, every breath in confusion, every breath in doubt.  Let every breath be hallelujah.

I have been running in a forested area, and so I decided to make a little print of a photo I took a while back to commemorate this season.

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD HALLELUJAH PRINTABLE

Running Outside My Comfort Zone

Funny story.  I'll start with just stating that I am not a 'runner.'  Really.  My one concern with the whole need to run is whether or not I could outrun a zombie apocalypse, if it indeed came to it.  My mind was put to ease when I saw a picture of a house surrounded in treadmills.  Zombie proof, and no need to run.  Perfect.

I don't mind walking, I love dancing, hiking is wonderful, and pilates is surprisingly my thing.  I will even use free weights and a kettle bell.  I'm just not a runner.  If you know me, you know that I have said this to you at least a hundred times.

So why, you might ask, did you sign up for a 5K in May?  Not only did you sign up, but you created a team and signed your family up.  And you might be kind of pressuring encouraging people to sign up with you.  That is weird.  And, yes, dear reader, I agree.  It is weird.  Though not as weird as I would like to think.  Because here is the thing.  God has been asking me to do an inventory of what He's given me.  But there is more.  He's been gently reminding me that I need to be willing to sacrifice those gifts and talents that for His purposes.  Turns out that some of that is a lot of fun.  I've been getting back to doing activities and hobbies that I really enjoy.  If you read my post about  where your gifts and your burdens collide, you'll know that some of my paradigm has been shifted...in a good way.  All that to say, while it is a little scary to hand over my talents and the things I already excel at, what if I need to be doing more?  What if I need to be doing something completely out of my comfort zone?  Like running?  Yes, like running.

My burdens have long been wrapped up in helping the vulnerable and marginalized.  My eyes roam and seek out the invisible, and my heart breaks for the injustice that leaves so many of them suffering.  I love seeing people freed from oppression - of all kinds.  I first learned about human trafficking while studying to complete my major six years ago.  I had to write a fifteen page paper on human trafficking in Italy, and in my research my eyes were opened to a world of suffering and captivity that I knew nothing about previously.  I cried every day I went to class.  I cried reading academic papers, even though they were full of academic jargon and so far removed from the people suffering.  I care about these men, women, and children with a depth that sometimes surprises me.  

Then I received an email from World Concern about their Free Them 5K in May.  All proceeds go to help those enslaved.

I heard a whisper, "Do all you can with what you have been given."

I have been given body healthy enough to run, despite my lack of enthusiasm about the idea in the past.  I've been given a burden to help people who are victims of human trafficking.  So my burden is colliding with running because it is something I can do right now to help.  I'm not an expert runner.  I may end up walking with my 5 year-old.  But I am willing to risk looking like a bit of a fool and jumping outside of my comfort zone because that is where miracles occur.

So if you are in the Seattle area on May 10th, and you'd like to come and run so others can LIVE FREE (Click Here for FREE THEM 5K information)- please join me!  No, really.  Please, do join me.  If this girl who runs only when something is chasing her (think zombie) can do it, I am pretty sure you have a great shot at it.  Our team is named Live Free, not just in honor of what I've been feeling is a theme for me this year, but also a word of faith that the people who are being held captive will be able to one day LIVE FREE, too.  If you feel a burden for those caught in this web of human trafficking, you can donate to help us reach our $5000 goal.  A few friends and I are already planning some great fundraisers, and I am so excited to see what God does with our gifts and talents as we lay them down to help others.  Together, when we do small actions in great love, who knows the greatness of the outcome?

I designed a little graphic because I definitely need the reminder from time to time.  Or everyday.  Whichever.

CLICK HERE FOR COMFORT ZONE PRINTABLE

Live Free - A Year of Release

A handful of years ago, I began to ask for a word that would help me navigate the season I was in.  The first word God gave me was renaissance or rebirth.  After a few years of living in a dessert spiritually, I can't tell you how much that word filled me with hope.  It was a process, but Jesus began restoring my faith that year.

The following year was joy.  Oh, what a simple word.  Three letters.  But with my heart, newly restored, joy was everywhere.  Even in the mundane, everyday, ordinary life.  Joy is everywhere.  And I learned joy usually began with a choice, and a submission of expectations.

Last year my word was embrace.  It was a year full of the unknown, full of trial, full of new beginnings, full of endings.  And I was being asked to embrace it all.  Not argue with it, not analyze it, not fear it, not control it.  I was being asked to embrace what Jesus had in store for our family, not question it.  And I won't lie, it was hard.  Looking back now, I realize that without clinging to Him, I probably would've floundered or given up or given in to bitterness or anger.  I needed that embrace.

In December, I was sitting at the same bluff I have been going to for so many years and for so many seasons.  It overlooks the beach where Aaron asked me to be his wife.  It is the place where friends and family have had wedding photos taken.  I was there out of obedience because it was the week of rest for the bible study we were going through.  I was in the car, with my sweet son in the back screaming to leave, when I heard the word release.  This is the definition I found when I came home:

Full Definition of RELEASE

transitive verb

1:  to set free from restraint, confinement, or servitude; also :  to let go :  dismiss 

2:  to relieve from something that confines, burdens, or oppresses 

3:  to give up in favor of another :  relinquish 

4:  to give permission for publication, performance, exhibition, or sale of; also :  to make available to the public 

intransitive verb

:  to move from one's normal position in order to assume another position or to perform a second assignment

So much of what I have been hearing in my spirit is that we need to live in freedom.  Chris Cain says that so many of us are enjoying our deliverance, but we have yet to step into freedom.  I think Jesus is releasing us to be free to be exactly who He created us to be.  To live free from what others think, what the world prescribes, what we fear, what we expect.  To live a life that has not just been rescued, but a life that has been set FREE.

I'm not exactly sure what this year has in store.  I do know that I am spending time and purposing in my heart to release those things that so easily entangle me - fear, expectations, opinions, obligations.  I'm trading it in for freedom.  I'm relinquishing my selfishness so I can be used to help others.  

I don't know where you are today - living captive, living delivered, or living free.  I am praying that maybe reading these words will stir something inside your heart to step one step closer to freedom.  To nudge your heart towards release.  I have a feeling what awaits us is so much better than all we have held onto.

I designed this little image to help me remember that this is a year of release and to LIVE FREE!

CLICK HERE FOR FREE DOWNLOAD (NAVY)

CLICK HERE FOR FREE DOWNLOAD (GRAY)

When Your Gifts and Burdens Collide

If you are in a church setting long enough, someone at some point has probably mentioned receiving a calling.  People feel called to all sorts of amazing things...I have friends who are pastors, teachers, missionaries, artists, mothers, fathers, firemen, soldiers.  The list goes on and on.

Can I tell you something?  I have struggled with the concept of a calling for a while now.  Not because I don't believe in it, because I really do.  I've just had a hard time reconciling the idea after becoming a wife and mother.  Everything I do now is filtered through the lens of being a wife and a mother.  My heart walks around daily OUTSIDE of my body because that is the only way I can describe how much I love my family.  So, then, what does a wife and mother do with the places in her heart that God has reserved for something outside her family?  When I was young and single it was a lot less complicated to run after what I believed God was calling me to do because the cost was relatively simple.  Now it's a little more complicated because reckless abandon isn't as appealing if it puts my loved ones at risk.  If I am completely honest, I've used that seemingly difficult complication as an excuse.  But I am tired of excuses.

I heard this sentence a couple of weeks ago, and it has taken my 'complicated' excuse and dismantled it.

Your calling is simply where your burdens and your gifts collide.

Your calling isn't this ethereal voice in the sky directing you to this or that (though sometimes it can be).  Your calling is laying down your God-given gifts, fully and completely in the places your heart ALREADY dwells.  God did not knit a single one of us the same.  My heart's burdens will always be unique to me, and your heart's burdens will be unique to you.  God placed gifts and talents inside of each one of us that are completely our own.  And it is that beautiful mess of a combination that makes each one of our purposes or callings so wonderfully multi-faceted and diverse.

I'm done believing that a calling is limited to a vocation.  I want God to use my gifts and my burdens together to change this world.  A beautiful part of that is being a wife and mother, in a way that only I can be a wife and mother to my family, but God has made room in my heart for more.  I won't ever be any good at being someone else or at emulating someone else's gifts.  But I can celebrate how God has knit me together and pray He uses that for the benefit of my family and others.  Not everyone's heart rends for the poor and marginalized the way mine does, and that is okay.  I don't have to apologize for what stirs my heart, and neither do you.  There is an entire world out there waiting for us to move toward what burdens us exactly where we are and being exactly who we are.

I don't know what it is that God has placed in your heart or what talents He has hidden in you.  I'm just beginning to figure some of mine out, and dust off others that have laid dormant.  I believe with my whole heart that God is raising up people to live boldly in who He created them to be in new ways.  I believe He is calling a lot of us to influence our communities, our culture, and our nation with the gifts He has placed within us.  I believe the time has come for us to stop saying yes out of obligation and start living in the freedom of what He has placed within us.  Your calling is where your burdens and your gifts collide.  I am longing to see what that collision will look like in my own life, but what a pleasure it is to watch it unfold in the lives around me.  Let's be dare to be adventurers.

Here is a little printout I made to help remind me that sometimes it isn't as complicated as I like to make it. =)

CLICK HERE FOR FREE DOWNLOAD

Because I Have Loved You with an Unfailing Love

Valentine's Day has never been easy for my family.  It has always been bittersweet.  Celebrating love that is here and loved that has passed.  My grandmother was found dead on Valentine's Day when my mom was just a little girl.  So as much as it has been hearts and flowers, it has always been a somber reminder that love can leave, even before we are ready to say goodbye.

God has been whispering this phrase to me over and over this week:

I have loved you with an unfailing love.

I am blessed to have my best friend, husband, and champion as my Valentine this year.  I wake up at 3 a.m. to my son pitter-pattering in our room to come and snuggle just for a while before he returns to his own bed.  I watch my daughter dump out her Valentine's Day bag, with excited eyes and a full heart.  I know I have a lot of love to celebrate today.

And then I remember that life has not always been this full.  There were countless Valentine's Days that I spent alone.  I remember being the girl in seventh grade who received no friend grams, and the girl in high school who never got a rose.  I was the "kind of girl a guy brings home to meet his mom," which is kind of a non-pliment to a lonely young woman.  

I have loved you with an unfailing love.

I remember my mom.  Every Valentine's Day marks another year she has lived without her mom.

I have loved you with an unfailing love.

I think of all the people who feel more emptiness than happiness today.  The ones who have lost a love, the ones who have yet to find one, those who have been hurt by a love,  and those who are hanging onto a love that feels like it is slipping between their fingers.

I have loved you with an unfailing love.

So while our earthly vessels love imperfectly, we can celebrate today because He has loved us with an unfailing love.  My hope, dear soul, is that today you will take a deep breath and bask in the extravagant love God pours out over you.

In Which I Ponder Social Media

I know I am not alone when I say I have a love/hate relationship with social media.  I love reading other people's stories, I love seeing pictures of friends who are near and far, and I love that twitter allows you to legally stalk  follow famous people you wouldn't otherwise get to meet.  There is a lot of great stuff that goes on in social media from fund-raisers to prayer chains to amazing perspectives on blogs.

But I have been more aware as of late that people also use all of these outlets to judge, criticize, and compare.  Social media has made relationships so one-dimensional, that sometimes if we aren't careful it could cause us to struggle with our real life relationships.  Because in a world where we can "unfriend" or "unfollow" with click of a button, how do we navigate real problems and real conflict?  I've never been good at conflict.  Like ever.  So this idea that I can avoid it by simply clicking a button does not serve me well because it feeds into my flight response to perceived danger (i.e. any conflict whatsoever).  I'm afraid that I can already see a shift in society - in the way we leave jobs, the way we leave spouses, the way we leave churches...and it really saddens me.  In the real world, where relationships are two-sided, it is rarely the loving choice for either party to just "unfriend" a person or job or... 

Then there is the other side of it, the space that is opened up for conflict to become judgment and criticism.  Instead of the flight response, people take up with the fight response, and I have been left with my jaw agape at the comments that people write...to strangers.  Not that ugly words are any better when typed to someone you know, but I can't wrap my mind around the brashness of the way people unload anger, bitterness, and hatred all over the internet.  It's as though they forget that there is a real person behind that profile picture or avatar.  Or maybe they don't.  But there is a real person, with a story. And their story is sacred, just like ours.

Maybe the one that I feel the most burdened over is the comparison.  Why are we wasting away our God-given uniqueness by constantly measuring ourselves against others?  Social media is a great, one-dimensional highlight reel, and if we spend too long lingering there the tendency to compare our multi-dimensional lives to those highlight reels will overcome.  And our real life will lose every time.  Ann Voskamp just spoke at a conference recently, and in her talk she said that any mother knows that a measuring stick picked up will always be used as a weapon - in a 5 year-old boys' hand, it becomes a sword.  In the hands of a woman, when used to measure herself against another woman, it is no less a weapon.  Used as a weapon, it cuts both parties and no one ever really wins.  We were never made to be compared to one another, but to complement one another.

A few months ago, I was reading in Ephesians out of The Message.  There is a lot of good stuff in chapter 4, but the following verse is what caught my attention:

29 Watch the way you talk.  Let nothing foul or dirty come out of your mouth.  Say only what helps, each word is a gift.

Say only what helps.  Each word is a gift.  I already love words, but to think of each word as a gift has taken my reverence for words to an entirely different level.  To think that the words we speak can either help or hurt, give life or destroy, give or steal hope, to encourage or dampen dreams... I've been praying to become a better steward of what I say and type.  Because words are like breaths, we only have so many before our time here is done.  I want to invest mine wisely.  I've been asking for words that breathe life, and not destruction.  I have determined to compliment instead of criticize, complement instead of compare, and love instead of judge to the best of my ability.  And when my best has been done, I pray God gives me strength to persevere.  I'd love for some company, care to join me?

In Which I Share About Our Love Story

On this day, nine years ago Aaron asked me to marry him.  Look at us up there.  Aren't we so cute?  And young.  Saying yes was one of the best decisions I have ever made.

Our love story is probably one of the most tangible evidences of God's fingerprints in my life.  He rerouted my future, brought me down to Mexico, and blew my mind as He guided me to my future husband.  He took this cynical, pragmatic, guarded girl and made her believe that sometimes the kind of love that fairy tales are made of does exist.  I didn't deserve to find this kind of love and happiness, but I am eternally grateful for a God who is full of mercy and grace who doesn't look at our worthiness.

When I think about today, I realize that every meaningful decision we made comes with risk.  Sometimes the risk is so great that we stand to lose everything.  Those decisions are usually the hardest and most rewarding.   Sometimes the decisions that seem easy at the time because they are less risky end up being the decisions that trap us in the illusion of comfort and control.  I don't know about you, but I am tired of living inside my own limitations.  If there is one thing I have learned about God, it is that He wants to surprise us.  He will always outdo our best efforts, out-imagine our best dreams, and always out-design our best laid plans.

I knew I could marry Aaron from the first day I met him.  That was not what made the decision to say yes an easy one.  There is such a huge risk when you entrust your heart to another human.  But I said yes because I trusted that God was faithful, He loved me, and even though I didn't deserve it, He wanted to bless me.  He answered my prayers, guided me, promised me...and that gave me the courage to choose a better life than I had imagined for myself.

This date for me is like an alter.  I go to remember God's faithfulness.  I go to remember His extravagant love for me.  I go to restore hope that some of the riskiest decisions that have yet to be made will be the greatest adventures of my life.

I wonder how different life would look if we remembered every moment that God wants to surprise us with better than we can imagine.  Looking back in all the ways He has orchestrated such beautiful blessings thus far, how can we step into living a life marked more and more by His glory?  What would happen if we consistently and intentionally yielded our lives to all that God has in store for each of us?   I believe we would change the world.

I made a little Valentine's Day printable for fun.  It is one of my favorite sayings, and it still surprises me.

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD VALENTINE'S PRINTABLE

In Which I Share a Map...

I have been a collector of two things ever since I can remember.  I love words.  I have always loved them.  I remember memorizing 'big' words when I was about four years-old.  My little heart would swell with the new ways I could communicate.  Once I was older, I began collecting quotes.  I love how quotes can capture the ideas and wisdom of people whose lives I will otherwise never touch.  I always felt that language holds a certain essence of creation quite unlike anything else.

I have also always loved maps.  I don't know what fascinates me so much about maps.  Is it the unknown being charted?  Is it the places represented that become more concrete and real when I see them on a paper?  Is it the colors, and lines, oceans, mountains, and absolute amazing creativity of our God that I see every time I look at a map?

So today I decided I would just combine a couple of the things I have loved since I can remember.  I designed a little watercolor of the world and added a quote from one of my favorite wells of wisdom, Mother Theresa.  If you would like, feel free to download it and print it out.  This is a simple reminder for me that there is a world in need, but to never miss the opportunity to help those right in front of me.

CLICK HERE FOR MAP DOWNLOAD

In Which I Draw a Line in the Sand

When I dusted off this blog a week ago (which has been neglected for so long I nearly forgot about it) I found the following draft from April 8th, 2011.

"It's funny.  I'm re-reading some of the books I read as a child, and something about them is recalling pieces of me that I suppose I had forgotten.  Maybe not so much forgotten as... disregarded.  And it's almost like I'm seeing these little pieces God intended to be a part of me and they look like little shriveled plants that haven't been watered enough.  Instead of feeling remorse, however, I am filled with an amazing sense of hope.  Although I can't recall the time I left my creativity behind, I know it's been a while since I've been able to fully exercise it.  You see, I have always been this strange mix of completely rational, organized, and pragmatic that collides with sensitive, creative, artistic and free.  That's probably why I switched majors so many times.  Not to mention some of them were rather drastic switches... like pre-med to graphic design.  Yes.  That pretty much sums me up.  Pre-med to graphic design.  Wait.  That's not all.  I ended up with a degree in International Studies and a minor in human rights and the human geography of international development.  Makes perfect sense, right?

While this may seem to be off-topic, it is really not at all.  I feel like God has been gently nudging me to have the courage to finally allow my story to be told.  To be vulnerable.  To be authentic.  To simply rejoice in how and who He made me.  Not that this is an easy thing for me to do because I have spent most of my life cleaning up the smudges and tying up the loose ends.  But maybe that isn't the point.  Maybe it isn't what I appear to be, but what I am.  And maybe what I am is what God wants to use to change the world.  I smile a little when I remember how much I used to love to write, paint, draw, photograph... create.  I am pretty sure that is the part of me that is compelled to even write these words.  I feel like that is the part of me that I need to nurture so God can start to use me in surprising and new ways.  I am waiting to see a bigger God and have a deeper understanding of who He is.  I am ready to have Him use me, smudges and frayed ends for His Glory and as He sees fit.  I am so excited (and a little scared) to see what is next..."

Almost three years later, I can say that this journey has not taken me too far from this post.  There have been some false starts, some mistakes, and places in my life where I have definitely faltered.  I can say that I have been able to walk in more freedom in the last two years than I have in a long, long time, but I have been waiting and waiting and waiting for the next step.  I've been dipping my toes in the water of the unknown, and I have watched Jesus revive places in my heart that I thought were a lost cause.

In Tim Keller's book Every Good Endeavor, he defines meaningful work as taking the raw materials we are given and assembling them in a way that causes other people to flourish.  That is exactly the kind of meaningful work my soul is aching to do.  My prayer lately is that God would take the raw materials of my life, ever last bit of it, and use it for His glory and to cause other people to flourish. I am ready to believe that all of my past, my seemingly chaotic and random life choices, all of my painful and joyful experiences...not a one of them can't be used to make something meaningful.  I feel like God has been breathing a new sense of urgency in me to live with boldness, and to go all in.  All my gifts, all my flaws, all my strengths, all my weaknesses, all my imperfections, and all my heart.

I'm reading another book called Restless by Jennie Allen.  Please, if you have a moment, read this book.  It is as if God placed it in my lap to show me how to make sense of all those loose threads I used to try to hide, and to use them for His glory and to help people.  I won't lie.  I cried when I read, "We need to quit apologizing for using our gifts and start apologizing for not using them."  I cried because I knew that I have spent most of my life not using my gifts.  Fear of man, fear of failure, fear of the unknown.  I focused so intently on the fears that it robbed me of the faith to move forward.  I felt impressed to begin a blog three years ago, and it was abandoned before it began because I was leaning into fear instead of faith.

So this post is to apologize for not using my gifts.  It is my line in the sand that says, "From here on I will fight to believe the God of all creation has created me for a specific purpose, and as I surrender He can use me for greatness.  These raw materials are His for the taking, and I pray they will be used to help other people flourish."  I will not be afraid of greatness.

I pray that if you read these words, that you will be encouraged.  God created you for a specific purpose that no one else on earth can fulfill.  I pray that courage would rise up in your soul, and that you, too, will no longer fear your greatness.

In Which I Explain My Love of Football...

It is hard to live in Seattle this year and not get caught up in the 12^th Man frenzy.  I stood little chance of NOT being a football fan, born in Chicago and raised watching the legendary Walter Payton weave and pirouette toward the end zone.  I remember the Super Bowl Shuffle and Refrigerator Perry.  I remember the day Walter Payton died.  I was sitting on the couch at my aunt’s house in Chicago battling the intense heat and humidity while they were running clips of Walter the Great on TV.  The last clip they showed on the news that day was Walter Payton holding up his number 34 jersey when they retired it.  He died young, just 45 years-old.  The ten year-old version of me cried that day.  I’m no stranger to football.

Flash forward to 2014.  I’ve lived in Seattle most of my life, and I’ve watched our fans disappointed time and time again.  I was in Chicago the summer the Sonics lost to the Bulls in the NBA championship.  That was awkward time and place to be a Seattleite, but I digress.  It has been a long time since I have followed football closely because when you grow up watching football played like the 1985-86 Bears played, your standards are set high.  I started watching football again last year.  I caught a glimpse of this young Seahawks team.  What I saw was something to believe in; I saw a reason to cheer and to hope.

Part of what I want to say to all the people out there who hate this Seattle team so ferociously is simple.  Why?  This team is not made up of many superstar players, first round draft picks, or highly coveted free agents.  This team is made up of the guys who were passed over, the guys who were told they were not good enough, the guys who were undrafted.  Russell Wilson was called the biggest drafting mistake the Seahawks ever made.  Derrick Coleman is our offensive lineman that was told his dream to play in the NFL was impossible because he was deaf.  We are late draft picks and walk-ons.  This team is made up of what looked like a bunch of mediocrity to all the “experts.”  And, yet, they are champions.  It is a classic American pastime to root for the underdogs.  So why not cheer for Seattle?

Why does the 12^th Man love the Seahawks so much that it annoys, offends, and baffles onlookers?  We love them because they remind us that greatness is not always about being the best according to the experts.  Greatness is not about you.  Greatness is about what you do for others.  This Seahawks team is great because they are a team that practices, plays, and wins as a team.  They remind us that being a part of a community and sacrificing your gifts and talents for that community will always achieve greater results than one talent standing alone.  We love them because they acknowledge us, the 12^th Man, as a part of their team.  We love them because the story of who each player is off the field is often more inspirational than what he does on the field.  We love this team because their story of what a champion looks like is one that has never been written in this manner before, and it is one full of redemption, determination, and faith.  We love them because of the coaching staff that looks beyond numbers and stats, and even beyond past failures to see the potential in a man; a coaching staff that doesn’t try to change a player, but finds a place for his talents and then encourages him to improve.  They show us how to ignore the critics, defy the odds, and believe that even when it seems impossible your dream can be achieved.  We love the Seahawks because we all deep down hope that there is a chance that someone would look past our surface and see what lies inside, and that our potential might surprise us if we believed, “Why not us?” 

The Seahawks remind me why I love football.  So many congratulations are in order, Seahawks.  Thank you for deserving this win and thank you for this incredible season.