In Which I Draw a Line in the Sand

When I dusted off this blog a week ago (which has been neglected for so long I nearly forgot about it) I found the following draft from April 8th, 2011.

"It's funny.  I'm re-reading some of the books I read as a child, and something about them is recalling pieces of me that I suppose I had forgotten.  Maybe not so much forgotten as... disregarded.  And it's almost like I'm seeing these little pieces God intended to be a part of me and they look like little shriveled plants that haven't been watered enough.  Instead of feeling remorse, however, I am filled with an amazing sense of hope.  Although I can't recall the time I left my creativity behind, I know it's been a while since I've been able to fully exercise it.  You see, I have always been this strange mix of completely rational, organized, and pragmatic that collides with sensitive, creative, artistic and free.  That's probably why I switched majors so many times.  Not to mention some of them were rather drastic switches... like pre-med to graphic design.  Yes.  That pretty much sums me up.  Pre-med to graphic design.  Wait.  That's not all.  I ended up with a degree in International Studies and a minor in human rights and the human geography of international development.  Makes perfect sense, right?

While this may seem to be off-topic, it is really not at all.  I feel like God has been gently nudging me to have the courage to finally allow my story to be told.  To be vulnerable.  To be authentic.  To simply rejoice in how and who He made me.  Not that this is an easy thing for me to do because I have spent most of my life cleaning up the smudges and tying up the loose ends.  But maybe that isn't the point.  Maybe it isn't what I appear to be, but what I am.  And maybe what I am is what God wants to use to change the world.  I smile a little when I remember how much I used to love to write, paint, draw, photograph... create.  I am pretty sure that is the part of me that is compelled to even write these words.  I feel like that is the part of me that I need to nurture so God can start to use me in surprising and new ways.  I am waiting to see a bigger God and have a deeper understanding of who He is.  I am ready to have Him use me, smudges and frayed ends for His Glory and as He sees fit.  I am so excited (and a little scared) to see what is next..."

Almost three years later, I can say that this journey has not taken me too far from this post.  There have been some false starts, some mistakes, and places in my life where I have definitely faltered.  I can say that I have been able to walk in more freedom in the last two years than I have in a long, long time, but I have been waiting and waiting and waiting for the next step.  I've been dipping my toes in the water of the unknown, and I have watched Jesus revive places in my heart that I thought were a lost cause.

In Tim Keller's book Every Good Endeavor, he defines meaningful work as taking the raw materials we are given and assembling them in a way that causes other people to flourish.  That is exactly the kind of meaningful work my soul is aching to do.  My prayer lately is that God would take the raw materials of my life, ever last bit of it, and use it for His glory and to cause other people to flourish. I am ready to believe that all of my past, my seemingly chaotic and random life choices, all of my painful and joyful experiences...not a one of them can't be used to make something meaningful.  I feel like God has been breathing a new sense of urgency in me to live with boldness, and to go all in.  All my gifts, all my flaws, all my strengths, all my weaknesses, all my imperfections, and all my heart.

I'm reading another book called Restless by Jennie Allen.  Please, if you have a moment, read this book.  It is as if God placed it in my lap to show me how to make sense of all those loose threads I used to try to hide, and to use them for His glory and to help people.  I won't lie.  I cried when I read, "We need to quit apologizing for using our gifts and start apologizing for not using them."  I cried because I knew that I have spent most of my life not using my gifts.  Fear of man, fear of failure, fear of the unknown.  I focused so intently on the fears that it robbed me of the faith to move forward.  I felt impressed to begin a blog three years ago, and it was abandoned before it began because I was leaning into fear instead of faith.

So this post is to apologize for not using my gifts.  It is my line in the sand that says, "From here on I will fight to believe the God of all creation has created me for a specific purpose, and as I surrender He can use me for greatness.  These raw materials are His for the taking, and I pray they will be used to help other people flourish."  I will not be afraid of greatness.

I pray that if you read these words, that you will be encouraged.  God created you for a specific purpose that no one else on earth can fulfill.  I pray that courage would rise up in your soul, and that you, too, will no longer fear your greatness.